Legolas and the lord of the rings
by Little W0lf
Summary: Shoot. I suck at summaries. Okay, Legolas the storyteller tells how the fellowship ends and their hardships in trying to destroy the ring. People say it's funny so pls. read!
1. The madness of Boromir

Lord of the rings fan-fiction  
  
Disclaimer: I don't own The Lord of The Rings.  
  
-Chapter one: We are attacked-  
  
ahem! I am legolas, son of the elven king of mirkwood and by far the most beautiful elf ever created in the face of history. Did I mention that women are so attracted to moi? I'm like a woman magnet cause I'm damn sexy!  
  
Please ignore him. I am Boromir. What Legolas is trying to teach us is that he is a woman.  
  
Excuse my impolite "comrade". He is kind of jealous right now and is disrupting the mood of my superb story. Anyway, I am standing on top of a high cliff fearlessly, checking the weather. Aragorn is searching the ground for orc footprints. My companion frodo is playing pro wrestling with his ring, biting it as some of his teeth slowly fall off. That's his own problem. boromir the eco monster is staring at the mountains, probably thinking of his beloved orc. The leaves are falling for some sort of reason and they're even dramatically hitting boromir on his eyes. (yay!) I hope he dies of ecological trauma. Anyhow, with my super high intellect and amazingly sharp eyesight, I have predicted that an army of horsemen with glinting armor and blonde glorious hair (yet mine is the best) is coming towards us. Fortunately, they happen to be friends of gandalf. In an instant, I told my companions of the approaching army. Aragorn told us to wait for the army to ask of information about  
saruman's whereabouts. I could see the army approaching. "well, would you look at that." I told boromir.  
  
"What?" he questioned. "These horsemen look like orcs." I replied.  
  
"I do believe you need to get your eyes checked," said boromir. "They ARE orcs!" Panic flooded our group and I knew then that it was entirely my...err, boromir's fault. We fled immediately and aragorn ran a bit slower to pull one of the orcs off a horse. Saruman himself was leading the army of orcs and he had been trying to take control of the wild horse that he was riding on. Aragorn ordered me to fire arrows if possible and I did so. I aimed for saruman's blasted hideous face but when I fired, I thought the arrow would hit saruman's beard but the arrow struck his old horse. Poor saruman fell of his horse and I just wished his head got broken. (his brain is broken already though)  
  
We luckily outrunned the orcs and laughed as saruman desperately attempted to catch up (looking like an ugly old turtle-like git with a beard and a horrible hairstyle) on foot with his army that didn't even notice him falling off.  
  
We escaped the wrath of the army with the help of my clever mind and stopped to rest near a lake. This turned out to be really nice since we haven't gotten water for days. No sooner had my comrades drank from the lake when they suddenly barfed and bitterly complained that it tasted like shampoo. I told them I had to wash my hair because it had gotten all sweaty and I could never leave it that way. We spent the night attempting to eat the dead fish that floated everywhere within the lake for a reason I just can't figure out. Finally, we abandoned the legolas shampoo-poisoned fish and decided to sleep. I spent the night combing my hair and filling boromir's nostrils with grass. I watched as aragorn tightly hugged the dead fish we were to eat for dinner and frodo was even kissing his ring and muttering words to it.  
  
-Chapter two: the departure of boromir-  
  
We awoke the next morning and had a fish breakfast which left frodo with a slight case of diarrhea. We had reached the other end of the forest but suddenly, the injured body of grishnakh fell in front of us. Boromir approached the orc and cuddled it. "Are you all right, love?" HE ASKED AFFECTIONATELY. (I DID NOT DO THAT, LEGOLAS!) Ahem, so, boromir caressed the orc's face, tears flowing out from his eyes and falling on grishnakh's eyes. "ouch!" cried the beast. "you're infecting my eyes!" "Hush now, honey." Beckoned boromir. Damn it Legolas I'm gonna cut your throat! Hush! I've never enjoyed such a romantic story before, boromir! Boromir kissed his beloved dear and caressed his face. We decided to leave boromir behind before he did some naked ceremonial dance as a sacrifice for his orc husband.  
  
Legolas you damn bastard, wait'll the end of this fan fic and I'm gonna make you wish you never had your hair! Hey! My hair has no business in this fan fic.! Leave it alone! So, no sooner had we reached the mountains when suddenly, we heard the voice of boromir crying: "GRISHNAKH! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! MY LOVE! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Birds flew away so suddenly you'd think there was a big explosion. The trees even covered their own ears.  
  
Frodo wanted to come back for him but Aragorn said we shouldn't. So, we continued to journey northwards, not quite sure if Saruman's army of orcs was still following us. We had heard then from friendly dwarfs that Boromir was seen trying to drown himself in the middle of a river but people from a nearby village just kept rescuing him.  
  
He he...... I was bored when I wrote that. Should I continue it? 


	2. The fellowship ends

1 Chapter three: The orcs and their surprise  
  
Our group had stopped yet again near rocky mountains to rest but we could not even sleep. Boromir's cries were heard everywhere, every night and day by every elf and cricket. It was then that Aragorn decided to kill Boromir himself to end his "suffering". I'd say the drowning attempts need to be more forceful so as to end these stupid cries. Boromir even sounds like a cow giving birth whenever he cries. Frodo has now caught some serious deadly bacteria in his stomach because of the fish we ate last night. I wish he'd stop puking. Now the mountains aren't just noisy, they're disgusting too! There he goes again. Yuck! Oh my sweet hair, cover your eyes! Don't look! We still need to get to a volcano to dispose of the ring but the orcs that attacked us may be close by or are probably waiting for us in the volcano. Wait a minute! The orcs! I can hear them! Quickly, I told Aragorn and we fled to the opposite direction. "You're sure of this?" Aragorn asked. 'Of course." I replied. Who does that bastard think he is? How dare he ask me a stupid question like that? My senses do not betray me!  
  
With a leap over the bushes and a feeling of safety, we hid and watched. It turned out that an army of soldiers from Aragorn's hometown was the one following us. "Oh you stupid little…" Aragorn muttered to me. But just as I was about to reveal our presence, the group ran off. And right behind us, was the army of orcs I had heard coming. We had no alternative choice but to surrender and we were taken as captives. I'm not so sure if I'll make it to the place the orcs are taking us because Aragorn himself is torturing me now. Frodo is being searched for the ring but it seems he doesn't have it. In a little while, the three of us fell into a deep slumber as the orcs carried us to their final destination. We awoke much later, tied up all together above a bowl of hot, boiling lava. Saruman was smiling at us and I know he finds me cute. Ouch! Okay, Aragorn says he's smiling at the joy of finally capturing the three of us. Come on, Saruman, release the cute guy in the middle .. come on… OUCHH!!!! Fine! I'll shut up. Stupid Aragorn. Can't accept that he's ugly and is fat as a pig. "I'll take my time to kill you." said Saruman. "When I get the ring from mister Frodo, I'll kill you." He left us and Aragorn planned a way to escape. "Frodo," he said. "Move a bit downwards so we can throw this idiot into that fiery pit." "Hey!" I protested. "If you do that, I swear my hair is gonna turn into a monster that'll crush you alive."  
  
"Frodo, go on." I'm gonna cry! They're going to kill me! The beautiful me! Can you believe that? Sob…Sob….Tis' a pleasure to have met you, hair. Till forever shall we part. Beautiful face, death shall not separate us. We shall be happy together in a happy place where we shall always be the prettiest. "Now you fool!" screamed Aragorn from above. "Swing to that lever and pull it down! It's our only hope!"  
  
I saw the lever and swung to it with all my might and finally pulled it down. We expected that this would do something meaningful but only the intercom could speak at the results. "PRISONERS ESCAPING! PRISONERS ESCAPING!" The three of us looked at each other as orcs came in to knock us down. Aragorn kicked one of the orcs on the head and grabbed the spear it was holding to cut off the rope that bound us. Once free, we ran out and left the orcs who thought we were still there to fighting among themselves. We successfully escaped their wrath and we rested for a few moments to regain our strength. Tomorrow, we would finish our duty with the ring.  
  
The night passed quickly and our location was very near to the volcano we were searching for. Lucky us! We climbed it in a high speed, excited to finish the quest. We reached the top in only a few minutes. This is it. Our destiny. We have finished our Duty. I hope Boromir stopped yelling now.  
  
"Frodo," said Aragorn. "Give me the ring."  
  
Frodo gulped. He had been searched the night before by the orcs but they didn't find the ring. Way to go, Frodo! He's probably hidden it someplace special.  
  
"I---" he stammered. "I was just hiding it in my mouth but I accidentally swallowed it." The fellowship has come to an end. The creatures watched as Aragorn tried to throw Frodo in the volacano pit and I was holding him back. Oh well. At least my gorgeous face has been left as it is.  
  
The End  
  
He he.. Should I make that as the ending? Maybe….. 


End file.
